i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
