Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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