so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
