Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
