there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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