if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
