So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
