I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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