One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize