Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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