you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
