Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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