it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
