So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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