I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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