You don't have asthma, your pregnant
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
