If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
