If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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