She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
