The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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