Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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