Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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