shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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