Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
