last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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