he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
