I wish I could punch you in the face.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
