ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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