I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
