I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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