Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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