the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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