I cut my penus on the lid.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
