so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
