i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
