Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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