The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
