bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize