I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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