I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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