....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
