im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize