I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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