i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
