Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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