My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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