Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
