we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
