i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
