Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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