Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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