i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
