i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
