you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
