ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
