Ambien. No doubt about it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
