Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
