Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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