so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
