So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
