mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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