There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
