that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
