Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
